Sometimes I miss her. And I know it’s been a while and I said I wouldn’t even bother going over this but it’s the truth. I can go without talking, seeing, or even kicking it with her but I can not convince my heart not to miss her. It’s been years, years and the truth is still the same? I miss the many conversations we would have on what we would do with our lives and the trips we would take. I miss us planning the type of family we would have and the way we would raise our children.
I know that I am over the relationship and I have no desire to have her back but I can say that I miss the idea of what we could have been. Have you ever tried to convince yourself to stop thinking about or loving someone? I have and it’s almost impossible. I have resolved to the fact that once you allow someone in beyond a certain point, they become a part of you. Then again, I am a Scorpio and once I give, I seemingly give it all.
What happened between us? Right idea, wrong time. It wasn’t our season. For many seasons after, I honestly believed that we would get back together. I held it in my heart and prayed and prayed that we would have another chance but like Fiona on Shrek 4, I got tired of waiting. I realized the only way I was going to go on was to do so by myself. So I picked myself up and did what I had to. Not talking to her has been harder than I ever imagined but every day gets better. For a long time, I measured everyone against her. I don’t believe she ever really knew how much she meant to me. Its days like this, when it’s rainy and gray outside that I see her running around the apartment jumping on the couch and playing Maxwell. Lol. She had a free spirit. That free spirit is also part of the reason I don’t believe she’ll ever belong to only one woman.
I wonder if she has found happiness in her current relationship. If she hasn’t then I pray she finds the strength to leave it. She does so much better when she’s happy. I want her to be happy, even if she decides to stay with her. I want her to be herself with no regard of what people will think/say/feel. I don’t think she knows what true freedom feels like but I know her heart yearns for it. She thought she was saving me, I wanted to save her, and we almost killed each other.
Just a moment of reflection.