Finding Me, Losing Her


Sometimes I miss her. And I know it’s been a while and I said I wouldn’t even bother going over this but it’s the truth. I can go without talking, seeing, or even kicking it with her but I can not convince my heart not to miss her. It’s been years, years and the truth is still the same? I miss the many conversations we would have on what we would do with our lives and the trips we would take. I miss us planning the type of family we would have and the way we would raise our children.

 I know that I am over the relationship and I have no desire to have her back but I can say that I miss the idea of what we could have been. Have you ever tried to convince yourself to stop thinking about or loving someone? I have and it’s almost impossible. I have resolved to the fact that once you allow someone in beyond a certain point, they become a part of you. Then again, I am a Scorpio and once I give, I seemingly give it all.

What happened between us? Right idea, wrong time. It wasn’t our season. For many seasons after, I honestly believed that we would get back together. I held it in my heart and prayed and prayed that we would have another chance but like Fiona on Shrek 4, I got tired of waiting. I realized the only way I was going to go on was to do so by myself. So I picked myself up and did what I had to. Not talking to her has been harder than I ever imagined but every day gets better. For a long time, I measured everyone against her. I don’t believe she ever really knew how much she meant to me. Its days like this, when it’s rainy and gray outside that I see her running around the apartment jumping on the couch and playing Maxwell. Lol. She had a free spirit. That free spirit is also part of the reason I don’t believe she’ll ever belong to only one woman.

 I wonder if she has found happiness in her current relationship. If she hasn’t then I pray she finds the strength to leave it. She does so much better when she’s happy. I want her to be happy, even if she decides to stay with her. I want her to be herself with no regard of what people will think/say/feel. I don’t think she knows what true freedom feels like but I know her heart yearns for it. She thought she was saving me, I wanted to save her, and we almost killed each other.

 Just a moment of reflection.

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5 thoughts on “Finding Me, Losing Her

  1. The wonderful thing about having a job where I’m pretty much my own boss means being able to read and respond to posts like this whenever I please.

    First let me say that I’m drawn to Black lesbian writers who don’t mind baring their souls, now and then, simply for the sake of sharing…”reflecting.”

    You wrote: “I know that I am over the relationship and I have no desire to have her back but I can say that I miss the idea of what we could have been.”

    Yep. I know the feeling!

    “Have you ever tried to convince yourself to stop thinking about or loving someone? I have and it’s almost impossible.

    Again: I know the feeling.

    “I have resolved to the fact that once you allow someone in beyond a certain point, they become a part of you. Then again, I am a Scorpio and once I give, I seemingly give it all.”

    Well, it’s not a *Scorpio* thang …or an *Aquarius* (my sign) thang.

    It’s a *Heart* thang and I tend to give my ALL too.

    Thanks for sharing this deeply moving post!

    • I said that this year is about being open and uninhibited and one of the things I wanted to do was blog more often so that’s what i’m doing. Trust me, random stuff like this I usually have a hard time talking about with anyone other than my close friends.

      It seems that possibilities are always limitless when you begin a relationship but somewhere the signals get crossed. It’s the idea though that I miss the most. Even if it was only an idea, for those moments, they were breathtaking.

      I’ve come to believe that you have to be careful of what you give, too much of anything just might leave you empty.

      Thanks for reading, it feels good looking at the stats and also seeing your comments. At least I know someone is listening.

      Nykieria

  2. i felt every bit of this blog. like… like you wouldn’t believe. i’ve struggled with these same feelings. i feel like i talk about it over and over again. i’m trying to get into the habit of letting myself feel and getting over it as fast as i can.

    loving is so hard.
    i don’t think it’s supposed to be though…

    God only knows.

  3. Jewel: “loving is so hard. …i don’t think it’s supposed to be though”

    I have found that *Loving* is actually the easy part. It’s what comes AFTER the *Love* is gone (or she no longer loves me as she once did) and the relationships ends that USED to be the hard part for me.

    I say “*Used to be* because I’ve grown a little older and a lot wiser. I understand now that no matter how much someone says she “Loves* me, feelings CAN and often DO change.

    Yes, it can still hurt. But not as bad and for not as long a period.

    I’ve learned to take it one day at a time. To give myself real Time to reflect, do a self-check. To Heal AND THEN move on. It’s important that I NOT rush my Healing process. But it’s equally important that I NOT allow myself to get *stuck in the mud* either.

    • Yes, it can still hurt. But not as bad and for not as long a period.

      I’ve learned to take it one day at a time. To give myself real Time to reflect, do a self-check. To Heal AND THEN move on. It’s important that I NOT rush my Healing process. But it’s equally important that I NOT allow myself to get *stuck in the mud* either.
      ========================

      Those are words to live by. “One day at a time, reflect, self check, heal, move on”. Truly wise words.

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