The time has arrived. This is the last day that I will be able to say that I am 20 anything. I don’t feel anxious and I’m not having the mental breakdown that I’ve seen most go through. In all honesty, I’m ready to embrace 30. When I look back at what I have done with my life, I have no regrets. I embrace the changes that my life is going through.
I wrote a new song last night. The chorus goes…
It ain’t easy living this life
I try y’all to do this thang right
But if I fall short,
It’s not my heart
I’ll keep on pushing and trying till I finally get there
& that sums up just where I am. The choices I made up until I was 18 were largely what my parents told me I could and couldn’t do. When I turned 18, 17 really, I hit the ground running. I left home at 17 and I have never had a desire to go back. I knew that I wanted something more, something better, something larger, something of more substance, more living, more breathing, just more more…. I wanted more. I still want more.
I learned everything the hard way but if was mostly because that was the only way I had to learn it. If I didn’t know it then I taught myself. I read and research and wasn’t afraid of failing. Because of that, here I am entering 30 and I’m not where I “want” to be but at least I have a GPS and a tank full of gas to get me there. I have some good road music too.
I took a long look at myself last night. I haven’t done that in a while. There’s always too many things that I don’t like about the way I look. Last night I told myself that I was ok and wherever I’m supposed to be or look, will come in time but I have to be ok with the moment I’m in. And I am ok with the moment I’m in.
30 years ago my mother was raped and I am the product of that rape. 30 years later and she is still in mourning but I have choose to live in light and love! If I could, I would heal her pain and suffering but I know that sometimes greatness come from the pain. Of no doing of my own, we still do not have a good relationship, at this point in my life I’m ok with that as well. I’ve come to terms that we will never have the mother/daughter relationship shared by most. It is what it is.
I think what I have learned most is that you must allow the seasons to change. Each serves it’s purpose. And like the seasons, we must go forward taking the good of our past and letting go of what we had to go through to get there. I do not fret in winter about the sweat I shed in the summer no more than I think of the chill of winter while basking in the sun of spring.
As I enter 30, It is well, it is well, it is well with my soul.