Goodbye 20’s

The time has arrived. This is the last day that I will be able to say that I am 20 anything. I don’t feel anxious and I’m not having the mental breakdown that I’ve seen most go through. In all honesty, I’m ready to embrace 30. When I look back at what I have done with my life, I have no regrets. I embrace the changes that my life is going through.

I wrote a new song last night. The chorus goes…

It ain’t easy living this life
I try y’all to do this thang right
But if I fall short,
It’s not my heart
I’ll keep on pushing and trying till I finally get there

& that sums up just where I am. The choices I made up until I was 18 were largely what my parents told me I could and couldn’t do. When I turned 18, 17 really, I hit the ground running. I left home at 17 and I have never had a desire to go back. I knew that I wanted something more, something better, something larger, something of more substance, more living, more breathing, just more more…. I wanted more. I still want more.

I learned everything the hard way but if was mostly because that was the only way I had to learn it. If I didn’t know it then I taught myself. I read and research and wasn’t afraid of failing. Because of that, here I am entering 30 and I’m not where I “want” to be but at least I have a GPS and a tank full of gas to get me there. I have some good road music too.

I took a long look at myself last night. I haven’t done that in a while. There’s always too many things that I don’t like about the way I look. Last night I told myself that I was ok and wherever I’m supposed to be or look, will come in time but I have to be ok with the moment I’m in. And I am ok with the moment I’m in.

30 years ago my mother was raped and I am the product of that rape. 30 years later and she is still in mourning but I have choose to live in light and love! If I could, I would heal her pain and suffering but I know that sometimes greatness come from the pain. Of no doing of my own, we still do not have a good relationship, at this point in my life I’m ok with that as well. I’ve come to terms that we will never have the mother/daughter relationship shared by most. It is what it is.

I think what I have learned most is that you must allow the seasons to change. Each serves it’s purpose. And like the seasons, we must go forward taking the good of our past and letting go of what we had to go through to get there. I do not fret in winter about the sweat I shed in the summer no more than I think of the chill of winter while basking in the sun of spring.

As I enter 30, It is well, it is well, it is well with my soul.


5 thoughts on “Goodbye 20’s

  1. “I left home at 17 and I have never had a desire to go back. I knew that I wanted something more, something better, something larger, something of more substance, more living, more breathing, just more more…. I wanted more.”

    You know Nykieria: I’ve decided. I wanna be like you when I grow up…lol

    Wish I had had the Courage to do just that…..leave home at 18 (when I graduated HS).

    I did leave for a short spell when I was 24. I moved to Savannah for about 4 months. But my mom literally made herself ill, she missed me so much. Her blood pressure went up. She had diifuclty eatingg and sleeping. I finally gave in and returned back to PA.

    Suffice it to say, I’m older and even more ready to return to the South. Would move back there in a heartbeat, IF I could find a good-paying job in my field of work.

    But back to your post:

    “30 years ago my mother was raped and I am the product of that rape. 30 years later and she is still in mourning but I have choose to live in light and love!”

    Seriously Nykieria:

    Your openess, Honesty and candor are but only 3 of the qualities I’ve come to Appreciate most about you and your writing gift. And make no mistake about it: You ARE indeed *Gifted.*

    The truth is: Your entire post ….Well, let’s just say that you *Moved” me!

    • Peace,

      Thank you. Two decisions I made a long time ago… 1, I would not be ashamed of who I am (for any reason), and 2, I would not sit quietly affraid to speak of those things. So here I am :o)

      I left because I wanted more even if it meant that I would be uncomfortable and have to sturggle, which I did. I wish I would have been able to stay home and go to college while saving money blah blah blah… Just didn’t happen that way for me. Now I find myself still struggling to accomplish certain things that I wish I would have done when I was 17/18 but que sera sera.

      My first play was about the story of my life up until I left college. It starts off with my mothers rape. A female friend asked her to go with her to her boyfriends house. My mother was supposed to go straight home but….. actually, I’m going to stop here and I’ll post the poem telling the story of my mother’s rape. It was acted out in the play.

  2. Well first let me say, Happy Birthday Miss Scorpio! Where’s the Dirty 30 Party going down, or are you traveling to some remote island to reflex?

    On the topic of you and your mother. My mother too was raped at the age of 13 by a man 10 yrs her senior. The shame of her being a child, with child, was too much for my grandparents to bare so they sent her away to a home for young pregnant teens. She gave birth to me surrounded by strangers. Like so many family secrets, it didn’t come out until I was a teen. For many years I was raised side by side with her thinking she was my sister. Throughout the years we’ve had this weird relationship, almost like two people trying to balance on a delicate strand of silk. I don’t even remember her showing me much affection or telling me she loved me as a child. As an adult, I know that she does but it’s taken many tearful nights, screaming matches, and casting each other out of the others’ lives before realizing we are two of the three people that were there that night and we are in the same boat! He took her innocence but he also stole the love a young girl needs from her mother from me. We needed each other to heal. I only share this story with you Nyki because while this is tragic and hurtful for our mothers, God doesn’t make any mistakes. I have spent thousands of dollars on attempting to get pregnant on purpose, to no avail. The conditions to create a child are extreme, 12-24 hrs. to be exact. But even after that little hump of flesh is created, God still has to breathe life into the lungs. We are no man or woman’s mistake!

    Now back to the business of you being 30. There are only a few suggestions I have:

    1) If you haven’t already, purchase yourself one piece of expensive art!

    2) Listen to what other people say about you. Now I know you are thinking “why should I care what others say” but there is actually good in this. 360 degree feedback from a variety of sources can help you to tweak things about yourself you might not have noticed. It’s really about self-improvement. There’s going to be plenty of time in your 40’s to not give a damn about what others have to say! 😉

    3) Reflex on if the people you have around you are really exemplifying what you are trying to say about yourself.

    4) If your mirror doesn’t reflex what you what to see, work on you. If after working on you it still doesn’t, get a new dagum mirror, it’s obviously broken.

    5) If something isn’t working, scratch the blue print and write another, you are the key author of your story and everything being YOU!

    Have a fabulous, Happy 30th Birthday Hun,!

    • Inhale.. Exhale… Slowly…

      I’ve always known who my mother was and for many years I tried to build a healthy relationship with her but she always regarded me as “that mans child”… though we both agree that I came from her womb. If she would have known she was pregnant, she would have had an abortion. She’s told me several times. I was destined to be here is what I tell her. I agree, the violation that those men took was much more than an assault on an innocent victim. They took the natural maternal bond, years of memories, and so much more. My mother called me at 12:02am the other night. She wanted to be the first to wish me happy birthday. I told her, yeah, it’s been 30 years. Both speaking of my birth and of the other.

      Thank you for your suggesstions. I receive them with open arms….

      I love love love paintings. I’ve acquired quite a few over the last decade or so and yes, I am always searching for a new pice. For some reason I’ve been wanting a really really nice vase. Don’t own any.

      Thank you for telling me to listen to what others say. So often we say that people misunderstood our actions or blah blah blah, maybe it’s us that’s not coming across as we should. I want to be better and I welcome all feedback.

      Looking around…. can I just say that my inner circle is so small that it’s almost nonexistent… & no, it’s not just the scorpio in me either. I may be seen with a lot of people at any given moment but most times it is because I’m out working. Many people know of me but only a few can truly say they know me. I feel a tangent coming on but I find it funny when people attempt to tell others something about me when they know so little themselves. It’s almost as if many believe that just being in your prescence means that they know you. I am social but I am a very private person and then days I like to bump elbows with people that I can learn from. People that are doing things to go where they say they want to be.

      Mirror/Me… Agreed

      & yes, I love #5.

      Something tells me you’re one fabulous woman.

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