A few months ago I got to go on a pleasure trip home to NYC. For the first time ever, I told myself that I was going to play tourist and truly enjoy the big apple. Well, a little known fact about me is that I used to work at the Statue of Liberty. There’s three parts to working down there, the first is the Fort at Battery Park, which is where all visitors come to get their tickets and security scan. The other two are Ellis & Liberty Islands. The statue is on Liberty Island and the museum is on Ellis. Anyway, I worked there for around 2 years about 8 years ago. Now in the last 8 years, my life has taken quite a few turns, I’ve been here and there, and then a few other places. So imagine my surprise when I walked into the security checkpoint and quite a few people screamed my name out in unison… I mean, I don’t even look quite the same as I did 8 years ago but they noticed me and were quite happy to see me. We chatted briefly before I went on to enjoy the sites but what most stuck out in my mind and has me up writing at this time of morning was the fact that they were still there.
There as in this is 8 years later and some of them were there when I began so that makes it over 10 years ago. And yes, it was a GOOD paying job in NYC but for the life of me, I couldn’t see a future in it. Though it kept the bills paid, it wasn’t career material right? & then I got to thinking… There’s a trend here… In FL, I snagged a job that paid me even more than the one I had in NY. That’s almost unheard of and for a single woman with no kids I was living a pretty good life. A “knocked up in the next tax bracket cause I’m paid” style life lol. I worked with that company the entire 5 years that I was in FL BUT all while I was there, I felt like I needed to be elsewhere. I wanted to be here. As a matter of fact, there’s been quite a few places I lived where I was well off but I just felt the need to move. Traveling across a map to the sway of an internal compass with no final destination.
What was I running from or more importantly, what have I been running to?
Was I searching for love? No, because even when I was madly, insanely, stupid, deaf, and dumb in love with her, I still wanted to move. We made plans to move here several times but she would always chicken out last-minute. Coal has a way of slipping under my feet. Ok, if not love then what? Afraid of commitment, looking for greener pastures??? Clueless. What was it about this city that has been calling out to me? I have to ask this question because in the two years that I’ve been here, it’s been hard as hell. I’ve been in this here molding fire for so long that I’m not sure if my edges will ever be able to take form again. & maybe that’s part of the point, to remove the edges. Yet without definition of those boundaries, who are we? Who am I? At 30 it was supposed to all make sense. I’m still waiting for that click. I’ve spent a lot of time praying and asking God to lead me, guide me, direct me, use me… To allow me to be his vessel. I simply feel caught up in the fire. & I don’t need anyone else to tell me that things are going to work out fine because deep in my heart I already know that. Or maybe the thought of it not being fine is so inhumane that I have no choice but to hold on to the hope that it will.
I live in a parallel world of “What I’m Going Through” vs “What I’m Pushing Myself To Do” and the two couldn’t be any more opposite. & yes, Hallelujah Thank Ya Jesus (excuse the sarcasm), I know that my trials are building my testimony. But my solemn attestation to the truth of the matter is that I am tired as hell… But I realize I just got way off tract but it does all go together.
See, I never wanted to be lazy or become complacent. I wanted to always seek the path of fully utilizing all of the gifts that God has placed within me. So I was thankful for those jobs that God presented me with but I was not impassioned with them. & it was never about the money so that didn’t matter it. Neither did the house, the condo, nor the brand new Range Rover I drove on a regular. For me, life has always been about doing the thing that you love so much that you would do it for free. & well, I have, and I’ve done it for free… & I would like to think that my gift has been a blessing in some form to the people I’ve shared it with. But the thing about being a starving artist is that by the time you’re finished sharing with the rest of the world, you have completely devoured yourself for the sake of the crowd.
I guess when it’s all said and done, I feel as if my internal compass has led me here and now I would like to reap my harvest. Praying that the good seeds i’ve sown truly outweigh any negativity i’ve spread. I’m ready for my freedom because as a starving artist, this art holds me hostage and I’m not ready to bleed to death. Excuse the graphic description, it’s late and as an artist, I have the right to be a bit dramatic 🙂