You meet someone and after a little time you determine that you’re interested in getting to know them better. For whatever reason, they managed to catch your attention, maybe they made you smile/giggle, or it’s just something about them that gets that good ole dopamine flowing. If you’re lucky then the feeling is mutual and you both agree that you would like to get to know one another. Been there, done that, it’s what happens next that often leaves me scratching my head.
What exactly does it mean when you say you would like to get to know me? In my mind this means that we will spend some time “engaging” one another. That doesn’t mean that we rush into a relationship, pack our belongings, and move in together. Pass on the Uhaul lesbians. It doesn’t even mean that you’re relationship material. It simply means that there’s a potential for us to have a few things in common, that if nothing else, we may be able to form a friendship.
Let’s look at the definition of engage.
- to occupy the attention or efforts of (a person or persons)
- to attract and hold fast
Engage is a verb meaning it requires action. Are you actively engaging the person that you would like to get to know? Many times I feel people fail in this department. It’s almost as if they sit back and wait to see what’s going to happen next. How can we become friends if you don’t open the door for me to get to know you? And to get to know you requires we engage one another. Sounds pretty simple right? Not to everyone.
The quickest way to lose my attention is to not engage me. & I’m not talking about random meaningless conversation. If all we have is elevator conversation (weather, traffic, etc) then you are surely not “attracting and holding fast” to my attention. And please don’t attempt to fill in time simply talking about sex. Stimulate my mind with meaningful things about who you are as a person, what challenges are you facing in reaching your goals. Engaging conversation is meant to make you feel and think in new ways, to open your mind to interesting things about the person you are getting to know. Tell me things about your life and interests. We can even stay current on expressing our views with the days trending topics.
Let me know that I’m on your mind. I have a job and a life and if I’m interested in you then you do as well. That being said, I don’t expect to be in constant contact with you but send a text, a smiley face, a quick phone call to say, “hey, I’m walking into this meeting but you were on my mind”. Besides bringing a smile to my face, maybe, just maybe, I can let you know that you’re on my mind as well. And in saying that, it doesn’t mean that I sit back and wait for the other person to do this first but if I notice the same efforts then I pull back.
Getting to know someone requires equal effort on both parts. If you don’t have the time or want to do it then politely decline. I’ll respect you a lot more than if you waste my time with half assed efforts.